Hello again my incredibly neglected blog! I want to start writing again, and I want to tell you why.
I have always hated writing. I have lots of ideas in my head, but I have a hard time getting them out. I want the words to come out perfectly, but they don't. Words don't flow for me, and I get frustrated by that. When I have to write something, it takes me forever to do it (mostly because I spend my time distracting myself so I don't have to write). One time in high school, I had to write a 10 page research paper. For me that is the worst. I wrote most of it, but it just wasn't coming together right. I cried and cried (I did that a lot in high school) and finally my dad caved in and wrote the introduction and conclusion for me. He just wanted me to stop crying. The other day, Morgan had to write a 5 page paper, and I needed to send four work-related emails. Guess who finished first? Morgan. I just want my words to be right, and I worry I'm not using the correct language. So this is why I don't write.
Anyway, I have been wanting to start writing again, but obviously, it's hard for me, so I haven't been doing it. About a week and a half ago, my church had General Conference, where our leaders speak to us about modern day issues and give us guidance. Like most people, I love General Conference, but I'm not an avid note taker or anything. Most of the time, I listen to conference, but forget about it soon after. This year I wanted to try to get more out of it, even though I knew that would be a lofty goal since I have two young children. Conference started and in the very first talk, I heard exactly what I need to hear. President Ucthdorf's talk had the phrase I needed most - start where you are:
"Sometimes we feel discouraged because we are not “more” of something—more spiritual, respected, intelligent, healthy, rich, friendly, or capable. Naturally, there is nothing wrong with wanting to improve. God created us to grow and progress. But remember, our weaknesses can help us to be humble and turn us to Christ, who will “make weak things become strong.”Satan, on the other hand, uses our weaknesses to the point that we are discouraged from even trying."
I'm a perfectionist. If I can't do something right, or do it the way I want it, I give up and don't do it at all. I don't only do this with writing, I do it with a lot of good habits I want to have. If I'm bad at something I stop doing it. If I try to improve a weakness but fail at first, I don't try again. I have lots of things in my life I want to improve, but I haven't been improving because it's too hard to do it all at once.
The other talk that spoke to me was Elder Lawrence's talk entitled "What Lack I Yet? Elder Lawrence told stories of people who asked God what they lacked and he answered, but not always with an answer that was expected. When I first heard the talk I thought, "I already know what I lack, I don't need to ask." I know that I need to fix things in my life before I am ready to ask God what else I need to fix. I was very discouraged by this talk, because I have so many weaknesses. Then Elder Lawrence said this:
I want to write because I want to record the precious moments in my life and my children's lives. I want to remember the good times and see how I overcame the bad times. I'm not going to try to be a perfect writer anymore. I'm just going to try to be me.
P.S. I wrote this whole post in one sitting. That's a huge deal for me.